04/02/2025
Konnichiwa! So I am doing little self improvment challenge for 30 days starting yesterday. Basically I'm just trying to get used to actually taking care of myself so everyday I check off in my notebook whenever I shower, take my meds, etc. I'm also including drawing everyday as a part of my challenge (even tho im starting today and not yesterday whoops!) here is my first page: 
BTW I'm going to the gym now- tryna get that summer body tryna gain 50 pounds of pure muscle. I have asthma tho and no inhaler and it's been kind of holding me back. Super frustrating. But Im just chillin and feeling pretty good these dayss :3
I do kind of struggle with aimlessness and not really knowing what to do but what I really need to do is work on making my dreams real. Just simple things, like, I really wanna go to the carnival thats in town next week. I also really wanna make youtube videos (just videos of my rambling or something like that. also camcorder footage. I have this old phone I wanna use as a pocket camcorder.). Idk I'll figure it out.
03/30/2025
PIZZA PARTYYYY!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! In celebration of me getting my GED- Costco Pizza Party! I inhaled like 6 slices pretty much lol but I have been on a diet I think I deserved it :) Cheat day? Anyways- 
I am so greatful for Prozac lol (slightly unrelated) life feels weird. I feel like I'm playing a video game and can do anything I want pretty much. I want to explore the area and I can. I want to talk to that person over there- I can! I'm not used to it. IDK if I wrote about this in previous posts but I'm really not used to doing things. I used to just sit in my room and day dream and things actually happening feels strange. I actually got my GED it's not just in my head. I actually approached the cashier at a shop and asked if they were hiring. Literally not physically possible things for me just a few months ago THANK GOD FOR PROZAC!! Anxiety effectively ELIMINATED!
03/27/2025
I keep deleting my blog posts cus I feel shy lol. I just imagine that no one will ever see it and write everything I'm thinking then I remember this is a public website that people have seen lol.
ANYWAYS, I GOT MY GED. I put like only 30% effort into studying and the actual test and I passed lol!
03/08/2025
Feelin a lil silly rn lol. I finally deleted tiktok. Took me way too long to do so. I'm gonna confess I really wanted to be famous for a while. There were some content creators (all of which were around my age) on there that I really looked up to when I was a teenager. I was kind of obsessed with them and really wanted other people to be obsessed with me just like how I was with those other guys which is pretty narcissistic of me but I think thats a pretty common mindset for people who grew up on the internet. Kids wanna be youtubers when they grow up. I'm also a really ambitious person so everything I do is done with living a successful life and when you view numbers as success it affects almost everything you do. It makes you anticipate public scrutiny even when there is none. It's been affecting how I make art because I'm in the mindset of making art for an audience instead of for myself (which is also pretty delusional because last I checked I had a total of THREE FOLLOWERS across ALL PLATFORMS) but I recently decided I was just gonna make things that are fun for me and not share it or just only occasionally share it. I'm not working on any big projects or anything (I'm still dealing with my chronic procrastination problem lol) but when I do (and I am planning to) I will make it for myself and myself alone and maybe if I'm feeling generous I'll post something on this website or youtube or where ever I decide to post it.
There was anothing thing about tiktok (other than the dopamine addiction) and it's like I don't want to experience everything through a screen. I want all my expericences to be in real life. When something funny happens I want it to be irl with my friends- when I see a beautiful life changing piece of art I want it to be at an exhibition- when I see the prettiest girl in the world who makes me want to run away and hide from her I want it to be in person- You have to know what I mean. I don't want tiktok to be the source of these emotions.
Also the third thing, I don't think it aligns with the person I wanna be. I'm already using a flip phone and shit and could go on for hours about how social media is a cancer on society but then turn around and use tiktok on my tablet before bed? Erm.. nope. Also I just enjoy not being chronically online lol. I think it's fun when someone starts talking to me about some meme or internet drama and I have no idea what the hell they're talking about lol. Yeah.
Also I'm thinking about deleting the photos page on my website. Im not really the type to take a bunch of pictures and when I do i think I'd just post them here in the blog. maybe
03/05/2025
Whoops! Just deleted 3 blog posts from last month lol. except it was on purpose I was just shy lol. I don't really have much going on in my life rn except that goddamn fucking metor astorioid I've been thinking about it non-stop basically. I dont think people are even talking about it anymore but it's all I think about! The fucking metor thats supposed to wipe us out just like trhe dinosaurs (well techincally theres like a 5 percent chance or smth) it's just making me think about life and what I wanna do with it if it actually does end in 2032. That's 7 years. A lot can happen in 7 years that gives me plenty of time to do a lot of th things I wanted to do in life but FUCK man. I feel like I was LITERALLY JUST BORN? Like I have no real life experince no friends no idea wtf im doing and now I have 7 years to figure it out. I feel like im the only one freaking out about this too - I'm not afarid of dying but I'm so scared of not getting to do all the things I wanted to do. That's how it's always been for me I need to get my shit together omfg. I gotta get my drivers licence.
01/16/2025
Hello, World!
so this is my first post.. I waited a while before I made this I wanted to feel more like myself before I wrote anything that someone could end up seeing. Even if no one ends up seeing this I'm still having fun making this website. I started in I think September last year and this site already went through a lot of phases but this one is my favorite it's the most inspired by those shitty geocities sites from the late 90's I love it.
I recently got out of the hospital btw which was my plan- I went to the psych ward and that was supposed to be a fresh start for me and it was I feel good now and like a real person (thanks to the antidepressants lol) and this website will be where I document myself growing into my new skin. New beginnings feel kind of weird cus I feel kind of aimless - I'm so used to only thinking about the future and what I would do if everything was better and what the fuck I should do to escape everything keeping me back but now I am in that future...
I'm making art again I'm playing guitar again (I got so fucking rusty it hurts!!) I'm caring about how I present myself again I am I new man and it's so fucking weird! What a great start to the new year (for me at least. It seems like things in the world are going kind of crazy but what can I do? I can make myself stronger so I can make it through hard times).